


Smoothing Out The Rough Edges

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon divergence after 3x18, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Frustrated Magnus Bane, M/M, Making Up, Non-explicit sexual intimacy, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, talking it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 08:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18567874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: The past several weeks had been painful beyond anything he could have imagined, and he was ready to start healing.





	Smoothing Out The Rough Edges

Magnus placed the baking dish in the oven and set the timer. He grabbed his mug and joined Catarina at the table in the combined dining area.

“I must admit I’m enjoying this domestic side of you,” Catarina commented, taking a sip of her coffee. “Make sure you save me a plate.”

“Well, let’s hope it turns out well.” He’d been mixing potions for centuries but getting a simple recipe to turn out as intended was much harder that it should be.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. If not, then make it so. Unless there’s a reason you’re not using your magic. Is there a problem?” Catarina asked. She placed her cup on the table and was already reaching out her hand to scan him with her magic.

“I’m fine,” Magnus assured her. “I can’t describe how amazing it feels to have my magic back, but I want to maybe do a few more things the mundane way.”

“Because of Alec,” Catarina sighed. “What’s going on with you two?”

Magnus wasn’t even sure how to answer that question. Once he’d encountered Asmodeus, he realized what had happened. He and Alec had worked together to banish his father, but things were still unclear between them.

“We’re talking, but nothing has been settled. It’s like when we first started dating, but now we have so much between us that needs to be worked through.”

“I know he hurt you, but he does love you.”

“I know he does. I just can’t believe how he could so easily doubt us and believe everything my father said.” Their breakup had hurt on many levels, but even hearing the reason behind it only eased some of that pain.

“You mean, giving in to his insecurities and accepting that he deserved this?” Catarina asked with an arched brow.

Magnus rolled his eyes. “It’s hardly the same thing. Cat, I begged him to stay. I broke down and laid myself bare before him, and he still walked away.”

“And you’re scared he’ll do it again?”

“The road to hell,” Magnus said.

“But those good intentions did get your magic back.”

“Whose side are you on?” Magnus asked.

“Always yours,” Catarina replied with a smile. “And I think he’s the best thing to ever happen to you. Love is messy. It’s why I don’t bother with it, but you have always been one to risk your heart. I know Alec loves you. When you collapsed, he was barely holding it together. I don’t agree with his methods, but I do believe in his sincerity.”

“Then why is he so hesitant? He’s asked me twice now to move in together, but I have to extend formal invitations to even get him to come over here,” Magnus complained.  He had found a townhouse in Brooklyn and had hoped he and Alec could finally move forward in their new home.  But the few times Alec had come over, he had been reserved and polite, like he had been visiting a stranger’s home.

“You’ll have to ask him. You two work so well together, but you also need to talk out the personal stuff. You still have some resentment towards him, but it’s not enough to walk away. If you don’t talk it out, that resentment will grow. I don’t for one minute believe he was truly overwhelmed and only loved you for your magic. When Lorenzo’s magic was killing you, all he cared about was you.”

“Deep down, I know this,” Magnus admitted. Alexander was not a selfish person but was filled with insecurities dating all the way back to childhood. It had taken a bit of patience on his end to get past Alec’s defenses the first time around, and it felt as if those walls were back up.

“Have you considered couple’s counseling?”

Magnus stared at her with wide eyes before barking out a sharp laugh.  “Now that might be stretching the limit of what Alexander is willing to do.”

“I don’t think that boy has limits when it comes to you.”

“Apparently he does.” Magnus picked up his mug only to find that his coffee had cooled and was no longer appetizing. An afternoon cocktail would be so much better right now, but he meant what he said about drinking less. He definitely wanted a clear head before tonight’s date.

“What do you want? What’s next now that you do have your magic back? Seeing clients again?”

Good question, Magnus thought. His mind had been reeling from losing his magic to losing Alexander to regaining his magic to facing his father again. He was questioning what he truly wanted, and while his heart knew the answer, he wasn’t sure how to get there. “Honestly, the desire to run is quite strong. The idea of a vacation is appealing, but the last time I suggested we take one, it didn’t go so well.”

Catarina waved her hand and reheated their coffee before taking a sip of hers. “You two need to talk and if you don’t do it, I will.”

“No, we’ll talk tonight.” After everything he’d been through, there was no way he was going to lose Alec.

 

 

“Right on time.” Magnus smiled as he opened the door for Alec. His smile grew and warmth settled over his frayed nerves as Alec handed him a bouquet of flowers, a shy smile on his face. “Thank you, Alexander.” Magnus leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against his lips, relieved when he didn’t feel Alec tense up as he’d done previously.

“Dinner is almost done. Would you be a dear and put these in water while I finish up?” He held the flowers back out to Alec. He felt a little guilty for his ulterior motives, but he wanted Alec moving around the townhouse with the same ease that he had in the loft.

“Try one of the lower cabinets,” Magnus suggested once they were in the kitchen. He busied himself with taking the casserole pan out of the oven where it had been warming for the past hour.

“Smells wonderful. Did you make this?” Alec asked.

“I did. I wanted to do something with my hands and thought this would be a good way to pass the time today.” He glanced over his shoulder and saw that Alec had found the vase and was working on arranging the bouquet. “Those will look lovely on the coffee table.”

Alec brushed past him and filled the vase with water before taking them into the living room. “Can I help?” he asked when he returned.

“Can you grab the salad from the refrigerator? I thought we could eat out on the patio.”

One of the features that Magnus instantly loved about this townhouse, besides the spaciousness and age of the building, was the backyard. A beautiful garden of trees and flowers surrounded a small patio. A simple spell to ensure privacy and block out city noises when necessary and it was like stepping into another world.   

He heard Alec’s soft inhale and knew he’d made the right decision. He had decorated the patio to resemble the dinner that Alec had planned for them. Fairie lights and candles, roses, and the table already set for two.

Alec placed the salad on the table and turned to face Magnus. “It’s beautiful.”

They kept dinner casual with light-hearted conversation, an unspoken agreement to save the heavier topics until later. Magnus was pleased when Alec raved about the enchilada casserole and helped himself to an additional serving. With dinner finished and the kitchen cleaned, Magnus poured them both a glass of wine. He reasoned they both could do with a little something to calm their nerves.

He was tempted to let the evening continue and keep the peace. He could almost pretend that everything was fine between them, just the stress of a long day, but he hated this feeling. He hated being afraid of Alec and what he might say and do.

“As much as I don’t want to put a damper on this evening, we need to talk,” Magnus said, handing Alec his glass of wine.

Alec agreed with a shaky nod. Magnus led the way into the living room. It was cozy but not as intimate as the patio. He felt a pulse of relief when Alec choses to set next to him on the large sectional. He didn’t realize how much he needed that little bit of reassurance.

“Alexander…”

“I never meant to hurt you,” Alec whispered, jumping right in.

“But you did,” Magnus replied. He didn’t say it to be mean, but it needed to be said.

Alec sucked in a breath and opened his mouth as if to say something, but no words came out. He leaned forward and placed his wine glass on the coffee table.  Magnus did the same as neither of them had taken a sip from their glasses.

“Magnus, I just wanted you to be happy. You would have gotten over me in time.”

“Alexander, I have always told you how much you meant to me.”

“Are you honestly telling me you would have chosen me over your magic?”

“We’ll never know because you took that choice away from me.”

“Oh, come on, Magnus. Your father is a manipulative bastard, but he was right about the pain I’ve caused you. You gave up your magic to save Jace because of me. You told me you may never get over giving up your magic. You would have remained miserable and grown to resent me.”

“You don’t know that,” Magnus snapped, feeling his frustration growing. “You’re doing it again, deciding how things should play out. I also told you that I didn’t need you to fix it. I begged you to stay by my side. I cried and pleaded. I told you I was in pain, and you walked out that door without so much as a backwards glance. How am I ever supposed to trust you again?” He swiped at the tears that were flowing down his cheeks. He was tired of crying and would be content to not shed another tear for at least a decade.

Alec wasn’t faring much better. His eyes were watery, and he was biting his bottom lip. He stared straight ahead with his jaw clenched and his arms wrapped around himself. Now that he knew where to look, he could easily see the signs of Alec retreating into himself.

“Don’t you dare,” he rasped. “Don’t you dare pull away from me now.”

Alec’s tears finally fell as he drew in a shuddering breath. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve done nothing but make mistakes, and I keep hurting you when all I want is for you to be happy.”

“Oh come on, Alexander,” Magnus bit out and then instantly regretted his harsh words when Alec flinched away from him. He took a deep breath and tried again. “Pain is a part of life. There are times when I’m going to be unhappy. Maybe days, weeks, who knows. And there will be times when you’re sad and low. It’s life. Having you by my side and supporting me, that’s how I was getting through it. Losing something as intrinsic as my magic wasn’t going to be an easy fix, but you helped.  That’s what you do in a committed and loving relationship. You stand by that person. I told you that I may never get over losing my magic, yes, but I also told you that I needed you.”

When he pictured them talking, he had no idea it would be this painful, with both of them hurting and in tears and unable to reach out to the other for comfort.  This isn’t what he wanted.

“Alexander, what do you think we’re doing here?”

“I was willing to take whatever you were offering, even if it was just casual acquaintances.”

Magnus sighed. “I’m angry, and I’m hurt, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. What do you want, Alec? And don’t give me some spiel about what’s good for me. What do _you_ want?”

Alec wiped his hand across his face and turned to look at Magnus. “You. I want you.”

“I’m right here. Show me. Show me that you want to be with me. Show me that I can trust you with my heart again. Show me that you meant what you said about wanting to be here for me.”

Alec reached forward and pulled him with such force that Magnus fell into his lap, but Alec held on, just this short of being too tight.

He felt the jagged pieces slotting into place. He was still raw; they both were, but the sharp edges didn’t hurt quite as much. He shifted in Alec’s arms until he was straddling his lap. Alec still had his face buried in his neck, and he resisted when Magnus tried to get him to look up.

“Come on, love. No more hiding.”

Alec pulled back inch by inch, and Magnus could see how much he was struggling to hold himself together. Seeing Alec so close to falling apart, triggered a new wave of tears to leak from his own eyes.

“Enough of that,” he whispered. He placed his hands on Alec’s wet cheeks and held him as he rested his forehead against his.

“I couldn’t cry,” Alec choked out. “I couldn’t let it out.”

It took Magnus a moment to realize what he meant. Alec had pushed his feelings down to dull the pain. Magnus was familiar with that brand of denial, and it usually resurfaced with a vengeance.

He had seen Alec shed tears a few times, but he could usually get Alec talking before it became too much for him. With their break-up, Alec had resorted to his old methods of coping, and Magnus was pulling the scab off the wound. If this was what needed to be done so they could heal, so be it.

“Then let it out, love,” Magnus coaxed as he stroked his cheeks with his thumbs.

Alec took a breath and tried to speak but could only let out a harsh sob. He shook his head and grabbed at Magnus’s shoulders.

Magnus shifted back into his embrace and allowed Alec the security of burying his face against his neck again. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. And despite Alec’s current state, he allowed himself to enjoy the closeness between them. Earlier, he’d been worried that it would be difficult to rebuild what they’d lost, but now he realized their foundation was still strong. He was still hurt and imagined he would be for a little while, but knowing Alec wanted this as much as he did, eased most of his doubts.

“I’m sorry,” Alec whispered when he finally settled down.

“I forgive you,” Magnus replied, his voice equally soft. “Promise never again. Promise.”

“I give you my word,” Alec vowed. He pulled back and met Magnus’s gaze head on. “I promise.”

Magnus nodded and leaned forward and captured Alec’s lips. They were both a mess of tears and runny noses, but he didn’t care. Being able to kiss Alec like this again was everything.

“It’s late, and I’m exhausted. Will you stay?” Magnus asked.

Alec nodded, and Magnus felt another burst of tension leave him. He’d been nervous about Alec’s reply and felt like they had just passed another hurdle.

Alec had been given a tour of the townhouse the first time he came to visit, but Magnus was hoping he would start seeing it as his home as well. This would be Alec’s first time staying over. Actually, it was the first time Magnus had been brave enough to outright ask. He’d hinted plenty of times, but they were both being so careful around each other that he could never form the words, and Alec was too hesitant to make that presumption.

Magnus took hold of his hand and led him to the master bedroom. He released Alec’s hand and went into the walk-in closet and pulled out his robe. Alec watched him from the doorway of the closet.

“Can we… we don’t have to do anything, but can we sleep without anything tonight?” Alec asked.

Magnus nodded with a smile. “Of course,” he replied as he replaced the robe. He walked back over to Alec and stood before him.

Like he had done so many times before, Alec reached out and began unbuttoning Magnus’s shirt. Strong hands caressed his skin with every peace of clothing that was removed. Alec was so gentle that Magnus felt like crying again. He had been so scared that he would never have this again.

“My turn,” he murmured once he stood bare before Alec. He took his time, giving Alec the same loving attention he had just received. He marveled at how the touch of his fingers could make this strong Shadowhunter tremble.

“I know you said we don’t have to do anything, but what if I wanted to?” Magnus asked when he had removed the last piece of clothing.

“I want to be with you any way I can,” Alec replied.

“Shower?”

Alec nodded, and Magnus couldn’t help but smile. Only Alec could undress him and stand naked before him but blush at the notion of them sharing a shower together.  And if he was recalling some of their more adventurous showers together, he understood the reason for the blush.

They took their time, touching and reconnecting in the most intimate of ways. They fell into bed together, tired but satiated. It seemed that now that Alec realized he could touch Magnus, he never wanted to stop. And that was just fine with him. The past several weeks had been painful beyond anything he could have imagined, and he was ready to start healing.   

 


End file.
